No one can teach us how to have great sex unless we're ready and open to it.
Things that block us from that readiness include having been shamed about sex, cultural expectations, body image issues, religious beliefs, lack of confidence, relationship troubles, self-esteem challenges, family of origin beliefs, physical health... the list goes on and on.
Knowing how to create a satisfying sexual experience for yourself and your partner gets challenged by these obstacles and unfortunately can't be gotten from a book.
At the same time, sex is romanticized and all around us.
We're inundated with sexy images, tv shows, movies, memes, reels and songs. It can be super confusing and it starts to appear that everyone is having hotlovingmonkeysex except you! This is largely because people don't talk about their sexual learning curve and the struggles they've faced.
The best sexual education most of us got was Sex Ed in gym class where we were taught about menstruating, condoms, wet dreams and pregnancy. Not particularly inviting material, huh?
Pleasure, I bet, wasn't mentioned once.
Sexual pleasure, especially for women, can be particularly challenging given the dual messaging around women engaging in sex being a "slut" and also the way to catch a man.
The biggest limiting self belief I encounter in working with people who struggle with pleasure is that "everyone seems to know how to be sexual except me. There's something wrong with me."
This belief is often at the bottom of every sexual problem. Whether it's erectile dysfunction, lack of desire or any other challenge, not being able to create the kind of experience you have observed via the media becomes a self-created jail cell where you feel exiled, alone and often ashamed. It can send people into a space where in feeling sure they are broken they don't seek help.
It needs to be said that this just isn't true. You aren't broken and there is help for you to explore your sexual self and get it back online where it belongs. Sex therapy is here to help you grow this part of you and it does work!
Where Do We Learn How to Have Great Sex?
Maybe learning from people who do have a better sex life know something that is worth exploring. I thought it might be helpful to talk about their core beliefs and attitudes about sexuality that give them right to entitlement, freedom and pleasure. There are more things that people who have great sex know and do but here are a few to get you started in thinking about it differently.
1. Sexual Pleasure Is Your Birthright
You are deserving of having great sex and you don't have to be young/fit/pretty/muscular/have certain sized body parts/last X amount of minutes, etc. to claim that. Sexual satisfaction isn't reserved for people who look a certain way or perform a certain way. It's yours simply because you're human.
2. There's No Right or Wrong Way to Improve Intimacy
As long as two things are true: there is consent between people and there is also pleasure. Pain is a tricky thing. It can create pleasure for many people and it can also create the avoidance of sex for others. Pain for pleasure is a paradox that some people have explored, that may be tough to understand and discovered it takes sex to an interesting place.
That being said, it's not for everyone and that's ok because "vanilla sex" is just as delightful and magical!
3. Don't Let Anyone "Yuk Your Yums"
What one person finds sexually interesting can be very different from what another person does and it's all valid. Ideally we find a partner who enjoys what we enjoy and we enter a flow state with them and explore together enjoying the same things.
Relationships are complex and we can end up with a partner we love deeply who has vastly different interests sexually. This is often a place that gets people stuck and needs conversations and agreements made around. Sex has been called "adult play." As children go to the playground and pick the piece of equipment they want to explore without judgment, sex ideally holds the same freedom. Negotiating differences is part of relationship management no matter the topic.
Building Sexual Confidence Through Communication
Great sex is created by two people and ideally it needs to reflect both parties' erotic templates (preferences). Forcing or judging one person's preferences makes for a negative sexual experience. Kind and curious communication is the key! Learning how to express what feels good and what you want is often the most difficult part of sex for people who struggle with self-consciousness, lack of confidence or shame about their interests or even in being sexual and worry they will be judged.
Communication in bed doesn't have to be awkward. It can actually be part of the turn-on.
The Mind-Body Connection: Why Sexual Mindfulness Matters
Mindfulness is the bedrock to hotlovingmonkeysex! What that means is that great sex is built on the use of our senses (seeing, touching, listening, tasting, smelling). If we are anxious, performative, pressured, guilty, ashamed etc. we are blocking the mind-body connection and we will be overthinking or worrying during sex instead of experiencing it in an embodied, sensory way.
Bodies get blocked relating to the mind-body connection cycle. When people are in their heads, get self-conscious, and even compare and judge themselves that sends messages to the body that sex isn't safe and they begin to panic or freeze. Erotic pleasure, arousal and orgasms stop when our thoughts overpower our sensory experience.
Let Go of Performance Anxiety to Improve Your Sex Life
When people get goal-centric relating to sexuality, sex becomes a checklist and judgment and worry set in.
Is my penis big enough?
Does my stomach look flat enough?
Can I give her as many orgasms as her last partner gave her?
Am I sexy enough?
Will he think I am a prude?
Do you notice that these anxious thoughts tend to be focused on performance and worry that you aren't enough?
They actually block a person from experiencing pleasure because their head isn't focusing on erotic or playful thoughts but instead disaster. It prevents sexual flow. These thoughts demand that sex needs to look a certain way or happen a certain way to be valid or even valuable. That is one sure way to kill romance and pleasure!
How Breath and Movement Create Better Sexual Satisfaction
Great sex involves breath and movement. If you're fearful both become difficult and impact sex directly. Feeling self-conscious can drive people to stay in one position, keep the lights off, hold their breath, and even freeze up.
Tracking what movement or touch feels good stops and then arousal can't occur. This can leave both people wondering if there is something broken in them. Don't worry, most sexual problems can be worked through such that sex becomes satisfying and energizing.
What Actually Matters for Relationship Intimacy
Pleasure and connection are the only two things that belong in sex!
It's not about performance or how many multiple orgasms you gave her, penis in vagina, swinging from the chandelier, squirting etc.
These are all external measurements people have used to affirm that they are having good sex which often come from watching porn or comparing themselves to movies or locker room talk. It should be said that porn is entertainment and not at all educational.
The Truth About "Good Enough Sex"
People who have great sex are very comfortable having good enough sex.
It's often helpful to enumerate what that actually means. If you shoot for having 'meat and potatoes sex' (good enough sex) 75% of the time, that should leave you having bad sex approximately 10% of the time (where you are too tired, too stressed out, or too disconnected from your partner to really focus on your senses).
Great sex then should occur about 15% of the time, where it's highly pleasurable, memorable, takes you to pleasure places you've never been, or where you both easily slide into the erotic without much effort.
Both bad and great sexual episodes are more unusual experiences that don't happen on the regular because "the stars have to align."
The stars can be good or bad!
Identifying what aligned to create both the magical and the awful experiences becomes easier the more frequently you have sex.
Practice does make the experience of pleasure more likely to occur as you get to know better your likes and dislikes if you can hold curiosity about them, not judge them and most importantly not take them personally or blame your partner for them. It will make it more likely that you notice the elements that took you there. It's then easier to recreate.
Finally, communicating with your partner what is pleasurable/erotic/easy/special/and fun allows you both to be mindful of how to recreate the flow conditions that welcomed the erotic experience.
How to Improve Intimacy: It's 90% Mental
Sex is 90% in your mind.
It often relates to the relationship you have with yourself and your partner as well as what is erotic to both of you.
What is sexy to one person isn't always sexy to another. Talking with your partner with curiosity and without judgment about what is erotically interesting to them is valuable information and can improve your sexual experience together.
Additionally, making sure that you both are feeling connected with each other (feeling seen and heard) is often the part that people don't focus on and will often blame their partner for not being sexual enough.
Sometimes it's because they are in actuality fearing that it is themselves that is the problem. The conditions for creating great sex in long-term relationships changes a bit. You can't count on mystery or the unknown. You know each other well! So exploring what is erotic is the path to making sex great over the long haul.
There's a Path Forward with Sex Therapy Near Me
I hope that you're now seeing your feelings and sexual needs as valid and are feeling more hopeful that there is a path forward to create the kind of sex you desire.
I can be your guide and support in discovering all of these ways to tap into your own sexuality.
If you'd like to explore what sex therapy can offer you, please reach out and let's set up a consultation and identify ways that you can work to reclaim your birthright!
As a couple’s counselor in Ellicott City, MD I’m passionate about helping people create meaningful and satisfying relationships with their partner.
I provide sex therapy, therapy for out of control sexual behaviors, affair recovery counseling and specialized counseling for men.
I offer sessions to residents of Maryland and Pennsylvania in my Ellicott City, MD office and online via my telehealth platform,